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Filed under: Author:Marie ]]> http://theycallmedependent.com/2013/04/16/new-facebook-page-2/feed/ 1 Marie http://theycallmedependent.com/2013/04/16/boston/ http://theycallmedependent.com/2013/04/16/boston/#comments Tue, 16 Apr 2013 15:02:24 +0000 Marie http://theycallmedependent.com/?p=2997 ]]>  

No matter what the headlines read, there is still so much good in this world and it outweighs the bad. I’ve raised my children to look at the reaction, not just the action. Sadly, there will always be evil, but the good of humanity shined today when people ran towards the explosion instead of away, when runners ran to hospitals to give blood, and when we all opened our hearts and offered prayers and help. My closing line for my children today will be, “There were more good people than bad people in Boston today.” – Marie Hobson, Milspouse Writer

2013 came out of nowhere.  I’m pretty sure it was planned and possibly on people’s calendars, but I was delightfully unaware and living in denial.  To say this last year flew by would be an understatement.  I know people say things like, “I can’t honestly believe time has gone by so quickly,” but this statement rings so true to me.  Where did the time go? How did I get to this point of having a 10 and 14-year-old?  How are we already reporting back to sea?

I know this is partly our fault.  The Husband and I chose this path.  I agreed to the back to back sea tours before this shore rotation.  Now I see why shore duty is so important. I get it.  R&R is not a luxury.  It’s a necessity.  Would I go back and change things?  Yes.  We spent 7 1/2 years on sea duty. The last couple of years he was gone 10 out of 12 months, only to live apart (geo-bacheloring) for an additional year after it  all.  Yes, I would change it in a heartbeat.  All of this is said with hindsight.  In the moment I was supporting my husband.  I brought up these concerns, but they were quickly dismissed because we could do anything together. We were best friends and honest with what we needed from each other.  Now, I know love isn’t enough.  14 years later and I love my husband more now than our first kiss, more than our wedding day, more than the birth of our children, but love isn’t enough.  You can’t build a marriage on intermittent restricted emails and middle of the night calls from ports.  It doesn’t matter how much you love them.  You may be able to stay married, but no, you can’t build a marriage alone.

The last three years before shore duty were painful.  He was home long enough to feel like he wasn’t needed and short enough to feel it was doing more harm than good.  Schedules were interrupted and feelings were hurt.  Only people who have been there, done that will get that he wanted to be home, but didn’t have time to fit in before leaving again. I loved having him there, but he drove me up the wall and then would get called away.  We didn’t have enough time to find our rhythm and be a family.  It  was terrible.  Sea duty can be a nasty roller coaster if done incorrectly.  Our choices ( I say *ours* because our faults, just like our accomplishments are shared in this marriage) are what almost broke us.  *We* made poor choices and I hope by sharing them, others will become more aware of their own.

As 2013 begins and “The Year of Deploying” begins again, I thought it would be important to share what I have learned.  This may help you, it may not, It may be just for my own ramblings. Whichever group you fall into, I’m good with it.  If this resonates with one person, I’m glad I shared.

Lessons learned:

We should not have done back to back sea tours. There is a long story to this that some know, but we should NOT have done the second tour. We should have gone to shore and stayed on the schedule.  Some things are just not worth risking.

Never risk or gamble the quality of your home life. Never. It doesn’t matter how strong you think your family is.  It’s a chance not worth taking.

Marriage is a job.  It is work.  It is rewarding work.  If you put each other first, you will never have to worry about who will be there for you, who will care for you, and who will help carry the load when you are less than 100%.  With that said, marriage is a balancing act.  If you are only at 30%, your spouse needs to be at 70%.  This is something that cannot be maintained over extended periods of time, hence the need to take breaks (shore duty) when needed.

We *wives* don’t ask for help as much as we should.  We are surrounded with women ready to help and we still try to do it all alone.  We are foolish for this and have to get over our own egos.

Friendships are important.  For many of us, we are hundreds or thousands of miles from family.  Friendships are what we have.  Make them.  Cherish them.  These people are the family we get to choose.

Politics aside, people are going to think what they want.  Every once in a while I still hear a person state that the military is made up of people who couldn’t do anything else with their life. It usually follows with statements of HS drop outs, troubled teens, and those who just don’t fit into society.  I’ve come to realize *most* of these people are from an era where that was true and just smile and nod.  It may be completely offensive to my husband, his degrees, and his expertise, but it is a statement formed out of ignorance, not hate.  It’s not anything to get upset over.

War.  Again, many do not realize that no one, I repeat, no one wants peace more than our active duty service members and their families.  But, many confuse our support and care of our service members with support of causes.  This too, is ignorance and though I urge education on the topic, words must be well thought out.  So many believe if you are in the military you are pro-war.  Choose your words carefully, but know that education is key. If we don’t share, people will look to the media, including terribly thought out movies. *Shudder*

Not all wives are created equal or even out of the same chapter, book, or series.  We all have our own ways of dealing with loss, grief and every other *feeling* under the sun.  We are not made from the same mold and need to respect others, even if it means agreeing to disagree.

Anywhere can be home and make you happy, if you allow it. I’m a huge believer that happiness is a choice.  Let’s face it, few get to choose where they are going to live.  This isn’t a surprise.  You must decide if you are going to find the good in it.  And yes, there is always good. Sometimes it is just harder to find.  Moving to the Seattle area, some friends told us how beautiful it was and how much we were going to love living in the PNW. There were a few other friends who *warned* us about the weather and how they hated being stationed here.  There are pros and cons to every location.  So far, my family and I love living here and think the weather is great.  But, we choose to enjoy it.  You can choose to wake up during the winter months here and say, “Just great, another gray day. . .” Or you can look out the window and think, “Wow, it’s so beautiful and green year round…” It’s really up to you.  I’ve had the chance to live in a few different areas of the US and have a broader perspective that really helps me see the good in an area.  Perspective is key.  You always think the grass is greener until you’ve lived on the other side.

Children are resilient, but they are not unbreakable.  When we started to talk to our kids about the upcoming deployment, I never thought our 14 yr old son would take it so hard.  One of the biggest misconceptions of having kids is that it gets easier as they get older, that deployments and living this life become easier because, “they understand” more as they mature.  I had a woman tell me just the other day that, “At least deployments will be easier for you this time around because the kids are older!”  Ummm….no.  My kids might not need me to dress them and feed them this time around, but they are old enough to really understand what their Dad does, what is happening in our world, and how much they will miss their Dad.  It’s no longer just me going through the cycles of deployment. Now, there are three of us dealing with emotions, worries, and thoughts.  Add pre-teen and teen hormones to it and this next deployment will be a long one. I no longer worry about nap times and what they are putting in their mouth.  Instead I’m worrying over social media, the influence of friends, grades, supporting their hobbies/interest, and teaching our oldest to drive this year!?  I love my kids and the young adults they are quickly becoming, but I’m going to miss the days of being able to distract their heartache with a sucker.  Deployments don’t become easier for anyone, especially children.  We adapt, but we have to remember that the hurting, missing, and feelings don’t stop just because we’ve done this before.

I encourage you to think of the lessons you’ve learned.  We are never too old or too experienced to learn from one another or ourselves.  Again, these are just a few of my thoughts and lessons learned.  You are welcome to take what you like from it.  2013 has so many unknowns for myself and my family.  This year is already picking up speed and I find that it is a constant decision to stay present and live each day.  That’s my goal for this year, to be present and live each day to the fullest, because we can’t get this time back.  That, and to write…. a lot.

Here are some of my favorite quotes to kick off 2013

Let your life mean something. Become an inspiration to others so that they may try to do more and to become more than they are today. —Thomas D. Willhite

The appearance of things change according to the emotions and thus we see magic and beauty in them, while the magic and beauty really are in ourselves - Kahlil Gibran.

“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.” – Albert Ellis

“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.” – Life’s Little Instruction Book, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“Everything around us is made up of energy. To attract positive things in your life, start by giving off positive energy.” – Celestine Chua

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain

“Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.” ~ Jim Rohn

“Be present – it is the only moment that matters.” ~ Peaceful Warrior

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.” – Howard Thurman

History shows us that the people who end up changing the world – the great political, social, scientific, technological, artistic, even sports revolutionaries – are always nuts, until they are right, and then they are geniuses.” – John Eliot

“All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.” ~ Pablo Picasso

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Wishing you peace and happiness today. After watching The Polar Express as a family tonight, I only hope that you still allow yourselves to hear “the bells.” Merry Christmas from my heart to yours.

T’was the night before Christmas, he lived in a crowd,

In a 40 man berthing, with shipmates so loud.

I had come down the Sail with presents to give,

And to see just who in this rack did live.

I looked all about, a strange sight did I see,

No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stockings were hung, just poopy-suit close at hand,

On the bulkhead hung pictures of far distant land.

He had medals and badges and awards of all kinds,

But one in particular seem to catch my eye.

Why they were Dolphins, with a tiny submarine … pinned on with pride,

A sobering thought came into my mind.

For this place was different, it was so dark and dreary,

I had found the house of a Submarine Sailor once I could see clearly.

The Sailor lay sleeping, silent and alone,

Curled up in his rack, dreaming of home.

The face was so gentle, the berthing in such good order,

Not how I pictured a United States Submarine Sailor.

Was this the hero whom I saw on TV?

Defending his country so we all could be free.

I realized the families that I’ve seen this night,

Owed their lives to these Submarine Sailors who were willing to fight.

Soon ’round the world, the children would play,

And grownups would celebrate a new Christmas Day.

They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,

Because of the Sailor, like the one lying here.

I couldn’t help but wonder how many lay alone,

On a cold Christmas Eve on a sea, far from home.

The very thought brought a tear to my eye,

I dropped to my knees and started to cry.

The Sailor awakened and I heard a rough voice,

“Santa, don’t cry, for this life is my choice.”

Defend the seas this day,

So others may rejoice.

The Sailor rolled over and drifted to sleep,

I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours so silent, so still,

And we both shivered from the night’s cold chill.

I didn’t want to leave on that cold, dark night,

This Guardian of Honor, so willing to fight.

Then the Sailor rolled over and with a voice soft and pure,

Whispered, “Carry on Santa, it’s Christmas Day,

All is Secure!!”

Author: Unknown

Twas the night before Christmas, the ship was out steaming,
Sailors stood watch while others were dreaming.
They lived in a crowd with racks tight and small,
In a 80-man berthing, cramped one and all.
I had come down the stack with presents to give,
And to see inside just who might perhaps live.
I looked all about, a strange sight did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stockings were hung, shined boots close at hand,
On the bulkhead hung pictures of a far distant land.
They had medals and badges and awards of all kind,
And a sober thought came into my mind.
For this place was different, so dark and so dreary,
I had found the house of a Sailor, once I saw clearly.
A Sailor lay sleeping, silent and alone,
Curled up in a rack and dreaming of home.
The face was so gentle, the room squared away,
This was the United States Sailor today.
This was the hero I saw on TV,
Defending our country so we could be free.
I realized the families that I would visit this night,
Owed their lives to these Sailors lay willing to fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate on Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each day of the year,
Because of the Sailor, like the one lying here.
I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve on a sea, far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The Sailor awakened and I heard a calm voice,
“Santa, don’t cry, this life is my choice.”
“Defending the seas all days of the year,
So others may live and be free with no fear.”
I thought for a moment, what a difficult road,
To live a life guided by honor and code.
After all it’s Christmas Eve and the ship’s underway!
But freedom isn’t free and it’s sailors who pay.
The Sailor says to our country “be free and sleep tight,
No harm will come, not on my watch and not on this night.
The Sailor rolled over and drifted to sleep,
I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent, so still,
I watched as the Sailor shivered from the night’s cold chill.
I didn’t want to leave on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor so willing to fight.
The Sailor rolled over and with a voice strong and sure,
Commanded, “Carry on Santa, It’s Christmas, and All is Secure!”

I’ve tried not to let my thoughts go there.  I haven’t been watching the news.  I can’t.  The thoughts are enough to bring any mother to her knees.  I sat down with both of my children and talked to them about what happened in CT this week.  I knew they were going to hear about it whether I wanted them to our not.  They took the news with heavy hearts.  We talked about the Christmas present that would be left unopened,  how unimportant a fight was with a sibling earlier that day, and the thought of never being able to see one another again.  They hugged each other a little harder today.

The next part of our conversation was about the shooter. We talked about his age and what he did.  My son (14) was quick to say in the defense of the shooter, “There must have been something wrong with him.”  I explained that we don’t know if there was or wasn’t.  My daughter  (10) chimes in, “People said he was evil.”   My mind whirls with how monstrous this act was.  How could anyone do this!?  But, my heart that felt like a ten pound weight in my chest wouldn’t let the words come out.  I explained that we did not walk in his shoes and we are not going to refer to him as, “evil.”   His actions were horrific; unimaginably horrific.  But, we cannot hate him.  Nothing good stems from the feeling of hatred.  He is a human being, just like the lives he took and we don’t have the position to judge him.  My children understood, but both looked at me with large eyes and asked, how/why did this happen.  I softly explained that they will hear many reasons in time, but we may never really know.  Sometimes terrible things happen and we don’t get to know why.  They hugged me and went upstairs to play together.  A few minutes later, I hear laughter and I cried again.  There are houses tonight that will not hear that sound.  There are siblings gone, forever.

It is our job to do better.  It is our responsibility as parents to educate ourselves, our children, and be present in their lives and in this world.   There is nothing I can say to make anyone feel better about today and the children (and adults) that were taken from our world.  Nothing. 

Yesterday my husband calls very chipper from his office and says, “Hey! Do you want to play on an indoor soccer team with me and Zach (our 14-year-old Goalie)”?  A few things quickly went through my mind. 1) I don’t play soccer. 2) I don’t know how to play soccer. 3) He must be asking because they are desperate to find women for the team. 4) Zach loves to play with his Dad, but his MOM!?!?

Within seconds and without much hesitation I replied, “Sure, why not!?” My husband in shock says, “Really?? You’ll play??” (He’s been trying to talk me into this for a year or two) Me, “Yep. If you’ll teach me.” He yells back to another guy at the office, “She said YES!”  And he then lets me go. 

I’ve worked out for months now. I’ve lost 14 of the 20 pounds that I set for my goal. I know I can keep up, but I seriously have no idea what I am doing. I’ve watched my husband and son play, but I don’t know the rules of indoor soccer well and the idea of it is intimidating. I’ve wanted to learn for years now, so I figure getting thrown into it is the only way to go.

We are going to be the Osmonds of soccer. Zach will be the Goalie, the husband and I will be field players and our 10-year-old daughter will be our team manager/water girl/cheer leader/mascot. She is more than willing to take part, because the idea of Mom playing has captured her interest. She wants to play too, but isn’t old enough for the league.

When my son arrived home yesterday, I told him that his Dad signed us up for an indoor team. He looked confused and said, “Who is “US”?”

I then explained I would be playing and he looked scared, shocked, and entertained all at once. He replied, “Seriously?? YOU are going to play …on a team….with me?”  ”YEP!” I replied cheerfully. “It’s going to be ah-mazing!” 

He then asked when we will play. I said, “the 23rd.” He quickly looks at the calendar, then at me and firmly states, “We will be practicing every single day.” I agreed and he walked off laughing and shaking his head.

What he doesn’t know is that I am doing this for him. Sure, I would love to share an interest as a family, but we do tons of stuff together. We already share lots of interests. This isn’t needed. I could live without touching a soccer ball. 51% of this is for Zach. 49% is about family time and having a fun way to stay active.

The husband is returning to sea duty in a couple of months.  This is the same time Zach will be trying out for his Select/competitive league  and first High School team.  He is a Goalie and needs someone to practice with.  I was able to stand in for Dad years ago during deployments, but that was for little youth sports teams on base.  He needs more than me kicking a ball in a general direction.

I need to understand the game to be supportive for him and help fill the void left by his Dad deploying.  Over the last two years, Dad has been there for 99.9% of the games and practices.  He even helped coach his teams.  This will be a huge transition for Zach to start the new season without his partner in fun.  I know I can’t fill my husbands shoes, but I can take this opportunity to share an interest with my son and hopefully be able to help him when he would normally need “Dad”.

So, this Mom is learning how to play soccer. It may not be pretty, but I’m going to put my heart into it.  Zach will be graduating from High School and applying to colleges during this sea tour. (Such a crazy emotional thought) More than anything now, he wants to be a Goalie for a college team.  And this is how I am going to support his dream.  Hopefully by the end of this next year, I’ll know the game, be able to give guidance/support, and he’ll respect the knowledge I gain and maybe even have fun sharing the love of the game with me.

This is what we do. We do our best to fill the void. 

My favorite Goalie